As classy as glitter on styrofoam, as mysterious as a fog machine, and as helpful as a man dressed in leather who occasionally steals your siblings.

What the Goblin Sommelier suggests you would be wise not to argue with.

Friday, December 13, 2013

5 Things That Are Not Enhanced By Christmas Lights, and 5 Things that ARE.

1.  Your bedroom/bed.  I'm sorry, I was that girl too, but it is true.
2.  Your pets.  Truly.
3.  Any part of your anatomy.  ANY part of your anatomy.
4.  Eames chairs.
5.  Cowboy hats (unless you are Dolly Parton).

1.  Fire trucks.
2.  Any part of a drag queen or burlesque dancer's look, including but not limited to shoes, clothes, coiffure, bosoms.  Drag queens and burlesque dancers are the only people allowed to deck themselves in Christmas tree lights, if they so choose.  And the aforementioned Dolly Parton, naturally.
3.  Christmas trees.  Don't give me that pre-lit tree nonsense, you heathen.  Put the string of lights onto the tree yourself.  And then another.  Maybe even another.  You will thank me.  Ok, maybe you won't because you really wanted to put that last strand of lights on your Eames chair, but your mother will thank me when she visits you for Christmas and is able to for once sit in your fancy chair (that you paid how much for?) without getting tangled up in Christmas lights.
4.  Ice skating rinks/roller rinks.
5.  Mad scientists' laboratories.

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